I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
did i just pee glitter
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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