So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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