Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize