I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
