I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
