Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
