btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
