I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
