did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
