I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
