Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
