I showed him my bush... on skype.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
