dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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