there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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