life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
