My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
