i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
