So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
