happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.