end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
