I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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