There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
