Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
