Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
