i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sext me about skeletons
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I love you. Go after that dick
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
