i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
