apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
