i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
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Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
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History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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