so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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