U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
