my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
