Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
