I'm going to jail i love you
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Someone signed my nipple.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
