Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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