Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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