im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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