I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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