What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
