That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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