Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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