Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
A bitchslap is in order.
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