it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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