I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
