Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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