Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
no, he came in my armpit
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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