i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
