I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
