just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
