I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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