how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
