She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
