he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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