i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
