Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
