I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
