he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
