Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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