i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
