i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
