I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
